Crimean Tatars

Now with funnier hats than regular tatars:



Weyman Tisdale died. For people who don't know who that is, he was one half of the Sacramento Kings in the SNES version of NBA Jam. He also was a jazz bassist with one leg.

yeah

This dude with whom I went to high school, his name was Flockhart and his mom never would walk the dog. The Flockhart family dog was a poodle, which was funny because high school Flockhart was sort of the living version of Biff from the Back to the Future movies. Anyhow Mother Flockhart would go out onto the front lawn with the dog on a leash, stand in the same spot, and smoke a Virginia Slim while the dog took a shit, and then flick the butt onto the lawn. As a result there was a perfect circle of dog droppings and virginia slim butts in this one spoton their front lawn. For fucking real you could calculate pi on that ring.

Five Seasons Center

Cedar Rapids is the "City of Five Seasons," and the fifth season is "a time to enjoy the other seasons," or "fun," depending on who you ask. Yeah I said it - fucking "fun" is the fifth season of Cedar Rapids. Look that shit up!

The dudes I meet who live in Cedar Rapids seem like they were really good at high school sports. That is the grand unifying factor of the male population - wearing Oakleys, white shirts and white shoes, and having one time been a blue chip high school athlete. Only now they have paunches and sunken eyes.

I was at a party in Waterloo last winter. Mind you I am only 25, but that night I was rolling on a serious "grandpa" vibe - too much slutty dancing for my old bones. By 1 AM booze had run out and people had just started the "NO MORE BOOZE" panic, and then two fat old dudes in comic book t-shirts come cruising in with two cases of forties.

I immediately like these men. One of them tells me this story about going to see the "Clash of the Titans" tour - featuring Megadeth, Anthrax, Slayer, and a young Alice in Chains opening - at the Five Seasons Center in Cedar Rapids in 1991.

Old man of the party weaved a wicked tale, basically going into great detail in describing the special type of person who went to thrash metal concerts in 1991 Cedar Rapids. One of the tour's gimmicks was that the order of bands was determined every night independently, to the surprise of the audience. It shouldn't be surprising that everyone wanted to hear Slayer first and foremost and could really give a fuck about Dave Mustaine. So after Alice in Chains played (they played first, that part was always set), Old Man recalls hearing a person behind him yell this:

"SLAY-"

(pause)

"FUCKING-"

(longer pause)

"-EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr"

So next time you think about Slayer, think about Cedar Rapids in the year 1991, and the smells of burned cereal grains and industrial wastewater, and oakley sunglasses, and someone screaming into your ear "SLAY-FUCKING-EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR"