Right before my sophomore year of college, I went to this bonfire in Mendota, IL. It was at the farmhouse of my cousin's college friend's grandmother. We had to take some circuitous gravel roads to get there, and it was dark, but from the road we saw the fire and the ashes. We were greeted by a dude drinking Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. Since it was dark I had to stare at the bottle just to make sure he was drinking Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. I guess dude liked his Triple Black. Grandma was senile and generally unaware of the world and was sleeping in the farmhouse.

All of my posse, except me, went to bed in the farmhouse basement around 10:00, which was right before all the guys there started getting naked. But it wasn't like "WOO WE'RE NAKED"-naked, it was more "hey let's just keep chatting but with like our members dangling around." A fifty year old man in a pick up truck with one door showed up, looked at the naked dudes, and then lectured me about the laws of kosher. He said the reason Jews don't eat pork is because the ancient Israelites were seafood merchants and they wanted to bankrupt the pork-dealing Canaanites. By the middle of the kosher lecture most everyone there was naked, except me and the old man, and then these two girls showed up.

One girl was like 4'8", squeaked when she talks, and apparently had returned from a temporary work stint as a performer at a Disneyworld stage show. She started telling this posse of naked dudes stories about blowing her co-performers backstage. I remember one in particular about giving an HJ to someone in a Mickey Mouse costume head. Short girl was with a girlfriend, and they get into this one-upmanship contest with raunchy sex stories involving Disneyland stageshow workers. Then they started talking about AIDS. Keep in mind it was dark, we were in a cornfield in Mendota, Illinois, and Disneyland girls were in a circle with a bunch of naked guys piss drunk on Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. This went on for about 90 minutes, but only talk. I remember one dude jangling his penis around, kinda like "hey look girls I have a penis!," but beyond that nothing too weird happened.

By the end of the night it was down to me and the last naked dude. We walked through a pine grove back to the house and went down to the basement and there was a guy in camouflage pants reading poetry to this girl. We joined the poetry reading audience, me and the naked guy. Then I went to bed curled in a corner next to my cousin. The next day I went to my grandpa's place in western Illinois, and I learned that he kept a bullwhip under his sink. In case the bulls got out of line.

Good morning.

checking in here

me: my balls
me: in your balls
Umair: yes
me: just checking

Mike Davis: Who Will Build the Ark?

http://ma.researcharchitecture.net/node/369

Fantastic New Left Review article that nobody has the time to read right now (even me). But I'm posting it anyway, with some highlights:

"The inner crisis in environmental politics today is precisely the lack of bold concepts that address the challenges of poverty, energy, biodiversity and climate change within an integrated vision of human progress. At a micro-level, of course, there have been enormous strides in developing alternative technologies and passive-energy housing, but demonstration projects in wealthy communities and rich countries will not save the world. The more affluent, to be sure, can now choose from an abundance of designs for eco-living, but what is the ultimate goal: to allow well-meaning celebrities to brag about their zero-carbon lifestyles or to bring solar energy, toilets, pediatric clinics and mass transit to poor urban communities?"

Pardon the websites craptastic screen design.

College towns in winter

I forgot my phone charger in Iowa City last weekend. I thought I could use two, because I have tendency to forget that fucking thing and I could thus always leave one in my suitcase. This would relive my hypothetical travel hosts of ever having to rush mail an AC adapter. Who knows what the terrorists are up to nowadays? Anyhow, I found the address of the local Verizon store. It was in downtown Champaign. I took the bus there and the bus was empty and when I got to the "Verizon Store" it was actually a porn shop with purple window frames and 2-way windows (?). I didn't think they sold cell phones but I could've found out. I didn't. I took a bus home and there were only 3 people on it (during rush hour) so the bus driver went off-route and dropped all of us off at our front doors. I've never had such service.

This morning in Buckley (pop. 600, maybe) I stopped in the local convenience store. A few years back they were selling smoked whitefish for the holidays. The woman behind the counter didn't know what whitefish was. It snowed last night and my cousin says that the snow on the cornfields makes the ground look like an oreo cookie in milk. I think it looks like driving through cold milk. When I was looking for smoked fish, my cousin was at the Buckley Bank. The Buckley Bank has the most balling candy jar, ever. I don't know what half the candy in that thing is, or where they even procure these treats. Like cherry flavored lifesavers and jellied fruit slices that taste like fresh jam. In my younger years I would follow my uncle into the bank and scoop out candy with both hands and stuff my fanny pack. My uncle smiled while the bank tellers tried to stop me, but they couldn't stop me. You seriously have no idea how good this candy is.

Ask A College Professor Having Trouble with Audiovisual Equipment

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/97714

Yeah.

stuffness

It's raining outside and I want to listen to Mojave 3 and write prose poems about the seasons. I think there is a homegame this weekend which means another day of drunk 50 year olds parading around campustown in "CHIEF" memorabilia while dry-humping the corpse of their dead racist mascot. This is a good reason to leave town and drive through a windfarm. I could be wrong. In fact I am wrong: the Illini are at Ohio State on Saturday. Here is a picture of OSU after their inevitable victory:



Hell yeah dudes you are a bunch of motherfucking champions. It looks someone's girlfriend is getting fingered behind the grocery store tonight. On next week's schedule is a thrilling Big Ten contest between the University of Illinois Fightin' Illini and the New Providence New Jersey Falcons, coached by a really large log of soppressata and a hot dog that was deep fried.