Right before my sophomore year of college, I went to this bonfire in Mendota, IL. It was at the farmhouse of my cousin's college friend's grandmother. We had to take some circuitous gravel roads to get there, and it was dark, but from the road we saw the fire and the ashes. We were greeted by a dude drinking Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. Since it was dark I had to stare at the bottle just to make sure he was drinking Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. I guess dude liked his Triple Black. Grandma was senile and generally unaware of the world and was sleeping in the farmhouse.

All of my posse, except me, went to bed in the farmhouse basement around 10:00, which was right before all the guys there started getting naked. But it wasn't like "WOO WE'RE NAKED"-naked, it was more "hey let's just keep chatting but with like our members dangling around." A fifty year old man in a pick up truck with one door showed up, looked at the naked dudes, and then lectured me about the laws of kosher. He said the reason Jews don't eat pork is because the ancient Israelites were seafood merchants and they wanted to bankrupt the pork-dealing Canaanites. By the middle of the kosher lecture most everyone there was naked, except me and the old man, and then these two girls showed up.

One girl was like 4'8", squeaked when she talks, and apparently had returned from a temporary work stint as a performer at a Disneyworld stage show. She started telling this posse of naked dudes stories about blowing her co-performers backstage. I remember one in particular about giving an HJ to someone in a Mickey Mouse costume head. Short girl was with a girlfriend, and they get into this one-upmanship contest with raunchy sex stories involving Disneyland stageshow workers. Then they started talking about AIDS. Keep in mind it was dark, we were in a cornfield in Mendota, Illinois, and Disneyland girls were in a circle with a bunch of naked guys piss drunk on Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. This went on for about 90 minutes, but only talk. I remember one dude jangling his penis around, kinda like "hey look girls I have a penis!," but beyond that nothing too weird happened.

By the end of the night it was down to me and the last naked dude. We walked through a pine grove back to the house and went down to the basement and there was a guy in camouflage pants reading poetry to this girl. We joined the poetry reading audience, me and the naked guy. Then I went to bed curled in a corner next to my cousin. The next day I went to my grandpa's place in western Illinois, and I learned that he kept a bullwhip under his sink. In case the bulls got out of line.

Good morning.